


10 Things I Hate About Jimmy

by notfreyja, Straight_Outta_Hobbiton



Series: Doubt The Stars [2]
Category: Star Trek, Star Trek: Alternate Original Series (Movies)
Genre: Character Study, Gen, Kid Fic
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2016-07-30
Updated: 2016-08-10
Packaged: 2018-07-28 05:52:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 6
Words: 6,792
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/7627621
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/notfreyja/pseuds/notfreyja, https://archiveofourown.org/users/Straight_Outta_Hobbiton/pseuds/Straight_Outta_Hobbiton
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Christopher Pike agrees to let his Chief Engineer bring her kids on board. Sam's okay.</p><p>Jimmy is a terror.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> The playlist for this fic can be found [here.](https://8tracks.com/starhobbit/10-things-i-hate-about-jimmy#smart_id=dj:16203706)
> 
> Follow [not-freyja](https://not-freyja.tumblr.com) and [straight-outta-hobbiton](https//:straight-outta-hobbiton.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.

Christopher Pike hates Jimmy Kirk. He hates him more than anyone he’s ever met, and he knows Number One.

 

At first, Jimmy was just a little blanket blob. Didn’t do much but waddle around engineering and the mess, unsteady on his stubby little legs. The kid was top heavy, constantly leaning to one side or another with the weight of his too-big head.

 

For the first few months, the youngest Kirk was only dangerous because he was unbearably cute.

 

Life on the  _ Farragut _ continued as it does on all Federation Starships for those first few months. The crew performed admirably, with every assignment, from routine supply runs to high stakes diplomatic missions. Everything functioned with maximum efficiency. It was almost like they weren’t carrying Starfleet’s youngest passenger.

 

Life as Pike knew it came to an end the day James T. Kirk learned to operate the turbolift.

 

*.*

 

Alpha shift. Pike’s least favorite rotation. It’s too early in the morning to be so busy, and yet the entire shift is just a mad dash. He has duty rosters to asign. He has transmissions from command to review. Course charting must be approved. And that’s only the guaranteed events in the first hour.

 

By 0900, the Captain will have fielded every kind of request, from shore leave locations to scheduling major mechanical work. 

 

Chris supposes that, were he to assign blame for his hectic morning routine, it would have to lie with none other than himself.

 

See, through the course of his career Christopher Pike has served under many different types of Captains. His first Captain was the intimidating kind. The crew followed his orders out of fear of reprimand and removal from their hard earned posts. But man himself was never troubled, the crew had spent the entire voy6age leaving him well enough alone unless there was no other alternative.

 

Pikes second Captain was the forgiving kind. She was quick to praise, and slow to reprimand. She had plenty of company off duty, but was generally ignored in an official capacity unless something required her signature.

 

When Christopher was given his assignment, he resolved then and there to be neither lax nor cruel, that he would strike a gentle balance between the two. And for the first week of the  _ Farragut’s  _ voyage, he thought he’d managed it. He was respected on duty, but not avoided either. In fact, he would even say that his crew sought him out, sometimes for advice, paperwork, or even just company. He’d be lying if he said that he hadn’t enjoyed it at first. But slowly, week by week, his free time was getting narrower and narrower.

 

Alpha shift would become a cacophonic mess. Lunch grew to be even worse as more and more of his meal time became occupied by scientist wanting him to sign off of their lab time, engineers wanting to do a  _ slightly _ non regulation modification, even historians, who just seemed to enjoying having someone to gush about their latest research to. By the end of the first month, Pike had about an hour of free time between leaving his bed and returning to it that night.

 

It took him two weeks  _ after that  _ to figure out why. No Pike was not a dictator, nor was he overly lax in his attentions. Christopher Pike had gone for the worst method of captaincy possible. he just had to be  _ approachable. _

 

The upside to this was that he always knew what was going on, from the latest break up to the newest scientific discoveries all the way to the day that James Tiberius Kirk learned how to open doors.

 

Chris remembers what happened when the boy had learned to walk properly— without the help of passing strangers and conveniently placed ledges— so this discovery was met with no small amount of trepidation and fear.

 

Fear that was quickly replaced with amusement greater than any Pike had ever known the day he saw the kid doing it.

 

*.*

 

It’s 1400 hours, and another absurdly busy Alpha shift has mercifully come to an end as Pike finds himself practically sprinting from the mess to his quarters. His only wish is to make it back to the relative privacy before Ensign Mears finds him again.To be frank, Chris would rather set the core to overload before he had to listen to the boy go on yet another rant about his earth-locked boyfriend.

 

He steps out of the lift. Today could be the day, he dares to think, he might actually make it back to his quarters being harangued by one of his well meaning crēw.

 

Three turns away and the budding hope in his chest begins to blossom into a sense of genuine victory. Two more corridor doors, and he’s home free.

 

He passes through one, not a soul in sight. In fact he manages not to run into a single person, crew or otherwise right up until he approaches the last corridor door on his route. What he sees there stops him dead in his tracks.

 

Jimmy Kirk. Standing in all of his mighty two year old glory, armed with a  _ mop. _

Just as Pike opens his mouth to call out to the boy, Jimmy uses what looks to be all of his (limited) toddler strength to heave the mop in one massive arc. The head of the mop jolts up from the ground, trails through the air, and lands with a graceless bounce on the blond’s other side.

 

Before Chris can even begin to voice any of the questions rapidly forming at the spectacle he just bore witness to - why was Jimmy out of his quarters unsupervised? Where was his mother? How did he get to this deck? What the hell was he doing? And most importantly,  _ where did he get the mop?  _ \- the door in front of the kid glide open as easily as they would have at Chris’ approach.

 

Jimmy lets out a small squeal of joy, grips the mop handle firmly, and drags it with him through the door.

 

Pike can do nothing but gape.

 

_ There is no way he meant to do that,  _ the Captain thinks, trailing behind the toddler at a careful distance.  There is no possible way that a  _ two year old _ has figured out how to trick the motion activated doors.

 

Pike had been counting on the boy’s small stature to put him in unofficial quarantine until he understood basic commands. Like  _ no.  _ Or  _ stay. _

 

They approach the next door, and as Jimmy repeats the action, Pike doesn’t know whether he should laugh or fall to his knees and pray for a Klingon Bird of Prey to end him now. In the end he settles on the only action that makes sense.

 

Once more, the Captain creeps down the hall behind his smallest passenger. This time however, his PADD is up, and it is recording.

 

Once more, a door approaches, and for the third time, Jimmy heaves the mop like a signal flag. The door slides open, and the toddler waddles through as though nothing odd had occurred.

 

Pike ends the recording, dumbstruck. What is he supposed to do? The kid can open doors now. And, if he is  _ anything  _ at all like his mother, this might signify the beginning of the end.

 

The hall is silent, Jimmy long gone by now. Chris doesn’t know how much time has past. 

 

“What the actual  _ fuck? _ ”

 

*.*

 

In the end, Chris sends the file the WInona and goes on pretending that nothing out of the ordinary had occurred. So the kid could open doors now. That was fine. It wasn’t like he could get anywhere important. No matter how smart Jimmy is, he can’t reach panels to enter access codes. 

 

He definitely can not operate the turbolift.

 

*.*

 

Almost one month to the day of what Pike has begun to call “The Mop Incident,” Pike stumbles onto the bridge, coffee clutched desperately in his hand, at the start of another Alpha shift.

 

For once, he failed to be stopped in the corridors on his route. So, arriving nearly fifty minutes early to what will no doubt be one more overly busy day, the bridge is practically deserted. Only three crewmembers, all diligently monitoring their stations, don’t so much as glance up as he walks in.

 

Chris loves the night crew. They’re  _ quiet. _

 

He could use more quiet.

 

Rounding the curve of the bridge, he’s just beginning to think that today might not be so bad after all. He has his coffee, and an almost guaranteed half hour of peace before the rest of Alpha shift arrives.

 

Sitting in the Captain’s chair, is none other than James Tiberius Kirk.

 

“You’ve got to be fucking kidding me!” The words slip out before he remembers that he really shouldn’t be cursing in front of a two year old, let alone on the bridge.

 

Then again, said two year old has no business being  _ on the bridge  _ in the first place.

 

“Sir, I—” the communications officer stutters.

 

“No one saw him come in!” offers Navigations.

 

Pike took a deep breath.

 

Then another.

 

“Mark the time and date in the ship’s log.”

 

“Sir?”

 

“This is the moment Jimmy’s reign of terror begins.” He crouches down in front of the boy and does his best to smile. “Hi Jimmy.”

 

“Hi.”

 

“Let’s go find your mom, okay?”

 

The kid nods, and Pike scoops him up in his arms.

 

So much for peace and quiet.


	2. Chapter 2

“Come on, Chris! It’s a party!”

 

Winona’s voice echoes down the corridor, louder than a moment before. Shit. She’s gaining on him.

 

“The President said children were welcome!”

 

Pike knows that he shouldn’t be afraid of his Chief Engineer. Then again, he has witnessed things from her no captain should see from a subordinate, things like beating someone unconscious with a PADD, or making out with a Vulcan ambassador they’d been ferrying to some conference or other. Both of those scenarios are sort of terrifying, horrifying things no captain should know his Chief Engineer is capable of. So if his pace increases just a smidge, he won’t hold it against himself later.

 

“ _ Christopher Pike, I am going down with my kids with or without your permission and I know you can’t afford to lose me to a court martial!” _

 

The worst part is, frankly, she’s right. Fuck.

 

The Captain comes to a halt with a deep, mournful sigh. Turning to face Winona, he opens his mouth, to speak. She beats him to it.

 

“Besides, they might not be a part of the crew, but they’re still entitled to a little bit of shore leave!”

 

“Winona.”

 

“They’re  _ children _ for christ’s sake! And—”

 

“— Winona!”

 

“If you keep someone cooped up for this long they’re going to snap, Pike! Do you want to be responsible for children in your care going space mad,  _ Captain? _ ”

 

Chris had heard enough. “LIEUTENANT COMMANDER!”

 

Mercifully, Winona  stops talking. Chris rubs his eyes. “Winona, you can bring them down if — and  _ only if  _ — you keep an eye on them the whole night. No passing Jimmy off to Mr. Syruk again, alright?”

 

She actually has the gall to look scandalized. “I’ve never!”

 

Pike only has to raise his eyebrow to make her huff and storm away.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Reagan III is a beautiful, tropical paradise. The Reagano are a peaceful, lively people, who seem to use even the slightest excuse to throw a party.

 

Therefore, the signing of a Federation trading agreement was cause for the most extravagant festival the  _ Farragut’s  _ crew has ever seen.

 

The evening quickly becomes a blur of music, food and dance. For the first time in his life, Jimmy even has children his own age to run amok with.

 

For the first time in two years, Pike push his smallest passenger out of his mind and just enjoy the festivities.

 

In fact, he finds himself relaxed enough to make small talk with the Reagano royal gardener. And while normally talking about plants would put Chris to sleep, she’s managed to hold his interest.

 

“You have arrived just in time, Christopher! The fireflower bloomed just last night!”

 

Pike tilts his head, interest piqued. He remembers reading about a flower in his briefing report. “The fireflower? Isn’t that the one that only blooms every-?”

 

“Every three hundred years, yes!”

 

And there’s something in her smile, in the glint of her eyes, and Chris knows she’s flirting. Things are definitely looking up. Chris is on a friendly planet, a beautiful, intelligent woman is flirting with him, and Number one is on the ship, safely out of throat-slitting range. 

 

He lets himself smile back. Maybe for just one night, he can forget about his command, and just be  _ Chris. _

 

The second the thought so much crosses his mind, he hears a blood curdling scream.

 

Well. That’s what he gets for hoping.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Winona was just starting to consider looking for trouble when it found her.

 

How convenient.

 

The thing is, Winona loves parties. She might even have loved  _ this  _ party an hour ago, but now she finds herself a little too sober and a just a touch too recently educated to cut loose.

 

It took her exactly the amount of time that her last drink took to wear off to dump the local botanist off with the Captain and free herself from the slideshow of pictures of some sacred flower.

 

So, when she almost steps on her three-year-old, for once in her life Winona is happy to see the slightly mischievous glint in his eyes.

 

“Hi, Jimmy,” she grins, “what do you have behind your back there?”

 

Jimmy shoots her an almost bashful smile, and pulls a glorious scarlet bloom from behind his back.

 

“I got you a flower, Mommy!”

 

At this moment, he’s just too cute. All toothy grin and knobby knees, his most likely pilfered gift held triumphantly in the air.

 

The flower is a wispy, delicate thing. Crimson petals crowned in golden points, and oh so like the crown jewel of Reagan III she had just endured a slideshow about.

 

“Oh,  _ shit _ !”

 

Her curse makes the head of a nearby native wip towards them. WInona is running various plans to return the flower to its garden as the screaming starts.

  
This is going to turn into one hell of a party.


	3. Chapter 3

Jimmy Kirk is four years old the first time he almost kills someone.

 

If he weren’t so concerned for the safety of everyone involved in what comes to be known as the ‘water main incident,’ Pike would have been impressed.

 

And that was  _ before  _ the little fuck got good at climbing.

  
  


*.*

  
  


When Jimmy beams down to Vulcan for the first time, nobody's quite sure what to expect. Winona spent the entire week leading up to the trip insisting that her hellspawn would somehow  _ not _ offend the Ambassador's family, and the rest of the crew placed bets on exactly how Jimmy would cause the mission to go irreparably wrong.

 

That night, with the entire away team safely back aboard the ship, mission completed with almost record breaking success, and James entirely unharmed, Number One made a fortune.

 

Pike corners Winona in the corridor on the way back to his quarters, an alarmingly cute Jimmy sleeping in her arms.

 

“You bet against your own kid.”

 

It’s not a question, more of a reprimand.

 

“And? Was I not allowed in the pool?”

 

Chris sighs, “You told me he’d be no trouble, yet you bet  _ 30 credits _ that he’d go into anaphylactic shock!”

 

Winona shrugs.

 

“You lied to me.”

 

Her slightly puzzled expression grows into a full smirk.

 

“I didn’t  _ lie _ , Captain. An allergic reaction is a medical emergency, not  _ trouble. _ ”

 

Damn her and her winning on a technicality. He should never have let her fill engineering with Vulcans.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Barely a week after their diplomatic mission to Vulcan is when the real trouble starts.

 

“What do you  _ mean _ , he’s gone?”

 

“Sir, we can’t find him anywhere,” the security officer delivers his report practically vibrating with nerves. “The search has been going on for nearly two hours, all likely locations have been checked, and Kirk would like to issue a red alert.”

 

Pike sighs wearily. A four year old has gone missing on his ship. Obviously, the kid has to be found. But a red alert?

 

“No,” he says at last, “there’s no need to cause a panic. Go around, ask for volunteers, and search the ship top to bottom, if you must.”

 

“Yes, sir!”

 

The security officer is gone before he can be dismissed.

 

Pike rubs at his eyes. A cold, ominous feeling creeps up his spine.

 

This is going to be a Situation.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Sam Kirk does not know that his brother has been missing for four hours. He’d been in the botany labs most of that time, working on his latest project from his biology tutor.

 

So when he hears a crash from inside the wall on his way to the mess, Sam has no idea that he has essential saved the day.

  
  


He freezes, tensing in alarm. In the three years he’d been on this ship, he’s never heard a noise like that. Curiosity winning over fear, he inches towards the nearest air vent. He gathers his courage and spins to peer inside.

 

And finds Jimmy staring back at him through the grate.

 

“Hi Sam.”

 

The elder brother sighs in relief. It was just Jimmy being himself. Nothing to worry about.

 

“Hey, Jimmy. How’s it going?”

 

“Okay, I guess?”

 

“You guess?”

 

Jimmy delivered his best pout. “I’m stuck.”

 

Sam burst into laughter. “Stuck? How stuck are we talking here?”

 

“Very.”

 

“Okay.” Sam shook his head, “I’ll go find Mommy or somebody to get you out.  _ Stay there!” _

  
  


*.*

  
  


Number One sits, eyes cold and unsmiling, staring down the prisoner. The Captain had asked her to find out exactly what transpired today, and she was going to, one way or the other.

 

“Jimmy, you will tell me precisely how and why you arrived at the location your brother was fortunate enough to discover you in.”

 

“Why?”

 

She felt a spike of amusement. Here this child was, in the first officer’s quarters, in more trouble than he’d ever been in in his life, and he had the  _ audacity _ to ask her why he should talk.

 

Number One likes this child. Now that is a surprise.

 

“You will tell me the truth in it’s entirety. If you fail to do so, I will make up a tale that gets you in even more trouble than you currently find yourself. If you speak honestly, I will reward you.”

 

Jimmy pursed his lips, mulling that over. At last, he sighs.

 

“Well it kind of started as an accident.”

 

“Started?”

 

“Mommy was fixing something in an air shaft, and there was a big hole.” He gestures, arms splaying out to both sides, trying to convey the size of said hole, no doubt. “And she went to get something, and I was curious, so I went to have a look.”

 

Her eyebrow quirks slightly, almost unnoticeable.

 

“You were not there when she returned, however.”

 

“Well, yeah. It looked cool in there, so I went exploring! And I made a lot of turns, so… I got lost.”

 

Number one stares him down for a moment. The child had gotten himself lost in the ventilation. A very logical outcome, for so small of a being entering the near labyrinth of pipes. What Number One should do, is forbade Jimmy from repeating his actions, inform Christopher what had transpired, and insist Winona keeps a better watch on her offspring.

 

Then again, the stress she witnessed from Chris today was most amusing.

 

“Wait here.”

 

She leaves the table, and goes over to the desk. After a moment of digging, she unearths a pile of ship schematics.

 

“Becoming lost in one’s home is embarrassing and unacceptable. Study these, and inform me of any questions you have. Dismissed.”

 

Jimmy bounces to his feet, and wraps himself around her legs in a hug.

 

“Thank you!”

 

He releases her, scoops the blueprints in his arms, and dashes out of her quarters.

  
Interesting.


	4. Chapter 4

Somehow, after the first incident, Jimmy did not get stuck again for almost four months. Yet his trips into the walls only increased. When he finally did get himself stuck, it took all of Pike’s self control not to burst into laughter at the small child dangling by his ankle somehow wedged between two pipes in a Medbay wall.

 

Conveniently, it didn’t take too long to get him into the medbay to fix his now sprained ankle.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Time goes on for almost a year with no major incidents. Most missions go well, crew morale is up, and they go almost fortnights at a time without having to pull a lost Jimmy out of the walls.

 

It's getting routine enough that no one is surprised to see James hop out of a vent or open up a wall panel in the middle of the day. In fact, it’s peaceful enough that Pike is no longer angry to find Jimmy had climbed his way onto the bridge. Just… resigned.

 

It had been so long since the water main incident that the entire crew began to forget that having kids aboard a starship could be dangerous.

 

And then the day finally comes when Jimmy Kirk almost kills them all.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Chris had just entered the mess for lunch when the ship wide intercom began to shout in Winona’s voice.

 

“Captain to engineering! Captain to engineering!”

 

There could be no disputing the panic in her voice. Winona does not panic. To be frank, Chris hasn’t heard her panic since she went into labour.

 

Pike runs.

  
  


*.*

  
  


The scene that greets him in engineering is one of more stress than Pike has ever seen aboard his ship. Just being in the space, packed tight with what might be the entire division began to make his heart rate rise.

 

At first, Chris isn’t quite sure what the commotion is about. Most of the engineers on the ship are grouped in clusters, poring over schematics or debating amongst themselves.  _ Debating,  _ not arguing; He has been informed on several occasions that Vulcans do not argue. And in the center of it all, Winona and Number One appear to be talking into a wall. A fucking wall.

 

_ Jimmy. _

 

Pike strides over to his second and third in command as fast as his feet can carry him. “Where is he?” Chris demands.

 

“He’s in the reactor.”

 

She’s not crying, but her eyes are red and her cheeks are wet. Still, when she speaks, her voice is strong.

 

“He’s gotten into the _ matter-antimatter reactor _ .”

  
  


*.*

  
  


“If he moves four inches to the left, his atoms will release their covalent bonds and James Kirk will cease to exist,” Number One informs the room.

 

And dear Lord, Pike hasn’t heard her voice hit this level of monotone since the  _ Kelvin. _

 

This is bad.

 

“I don’t know how he got in there, he just  _ is, _ and we can’t find a way to get him out without killing him, the poor bastard we send in, or the entire  _ fucking crew!” _

 

“Language, Mommy!”

 

Winona, whirls on her heels to bark at the wall, however Number One speaks first.

 

“James, do not speak. If the moisture in your breath is projected to far, you will start a chain reaction explosion through the reactor and into the warp drive.” She pauses, tilts her head slightly. “In fact, there is a risk of said explosion with every exhale.”

 

The tension in the room gets thicker, if possible.

 

Pike rubs at his eyes. “Can we turn it off?”

 

Winona’s teeth clench. “How long can you hold your breath?”

 

That answers that.

 

“If he takes a step backwards, his clothes will catch fire.”

 

“Number One, I  _ really  _ need you to shut up!”

  
  


*.*

  
  


Three hours later, and they only have a list of things they can’t do, a hole in the wall to expose the outer shell of the reactor, and an increasingly horrifying stream of doomsday predictions from Number One.

 

Enter George Samuel Kirk.

 

“Mommy.”

 

“Not now, Sam!”

 

The kid purses his lips and falls silent. Unnoticed he wanders around the room, silently briefing himself on the situation.

 

The thing about Sam (the thing Pike  _ likes _ about Sam) is that he doesn’t always seem to exist. Sure, Chris sees the kid around, but he’s never in the way. He doesn’t take up any of the air in a room, he doesn’t so much as glance at the spotlight. He doesn’t break things. Sam, in that way, is  _ nothing _ like his baby brother.

 

Because of Sam’s tendency to stick to the corners, he manages to grab the attention of everyone in the room when he screams “Mom!”

 

The whole room goes silent, unable to move, as Sam’s fist comes down hard on a switch on the reactor wall.

 

Jim Kirk falls out the bottom. Sweaty, shell-shocked, and most likely traumatized, but unharmed.

 

_ Alive. _

 

Pike’s heart is trying to return to a normal BPM as Winona starts screaming at her older son. Number One grabs Jimmy by the ear and drags him off in deadly silence.

 

She better be taking him to Medbay. Or the brig.

 

Either one would do.


	5. Chapter 5

Jimmy Kirk is six years old and throwing what is, in essence, a temper tantrum, albeit a relatively composed one. They happen sometimes, when he can’t break through Syruk’s newest code or Sam decides to hog the holo player.

 

The problem this time is ice cream. He wants some, but Winona’s done something to the controls, something that requires more hacking than Jimmy at age six can manage. The solution is simple— get someone  _ else _ to get him ice cream.

 

Problem is, the codes are so set that they need an override from an officer, because Winona is apparently really serious about no dessert before dinner, apparently. So his options are a little bit more limited than he’d like— besides his Mom there’s Number One, Captain Pike, and Dr. Fonseca. He doesn’t count the other officers because they’re too scared of his Mom to disobey, and he doesn’t count Syruk because Syruk hates fun.

 

Captain Pike’s probably his best bet after a minute of thought. Captain Pike is easily overwhelmed by Jimmy’s overall  _ Jimmy-ness _ , so he usually caves pretty quick if Jimmy’s idea isn’t life-threatening.

 

Well, decision made. He’s going to go bother Pike.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Number One has the innate ability to always run into Jimmy Kirk in the middle of a quest. In this instance, she catches him in the hallway of the officer’s quarters.

 

“Whatever you’re planning, don’t do it, Kirk,” she tells him as they pass. “Captain Pike is not having a good day.”

 

“Don’t worry— I’ll be quick, I promise. He’ll barely remember I was there.”

 

Number One pauses, glancing over her shoulder.

 

“On your head be it.”

 

And then she keeps going.

 

This is the first time Jimmy hasn’t listened to her words of warning.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Seven dead, sixteen wounded. Pike has never had such a failure before, not since he got the  _ Farragut _ . Number One has assured him that it wasn’t his fault, but it still stings. The mission was a simple one; there’s no excuse for it to have gone so sideways.

 

Helpless frustration simmers under his skin. He needs a day off.

 

There’s the sharp knock of a little fist on his door.

 

“Captain Pike! Captain Pike, I need your help with something!”

 

Chris closes his eyes and counts backwards from ten. He’s interrupted by another knock.

 

“Captain Pike! C’mon, it’s an emergency!”

 

He knows that tone. He knows that Jimmy’s going to keep knocking until Chris opens the door or until he realizes that he can get in through the ventilation shaft above the door.

 

Sighing to himself he gets up to open the door.

 

“This better be quick, Jimmy.”

 

Jimmy smiles up at him, painfully bright and more irritating for it.

 

“It will be,” he promises. “Mommy set up the replicators so I can’t get ice cream and I want ice cream, Captain. Strawberry ice cream.”

 

“Fine,” Pike says curtly. The quicker he handles this the quicker Jimmy leaves. That’s the way it works.

 

Three minutes later, Jimmy doesn’t leave. Instead, he settles himself at the little table in the corner of Pike’s room with his bowl and starts scarfing down his treat. He’s quiet, though, which is a rare occurrence, one to be treasured.

 

Okay. If Jimmy’s going to be quiet, Chris can live with him being in his quarters. So long as it looks like he’s working, Jimmy will leave when he’s finished with minimal fuss. The kid’s oddly respectful when it comes to actual duties.

 

Chris opens up a holodoc and starts typing. Two sentences in, Jimmy speaks.

 

“Are you writing one of your angry letters again?”

 

“No.” Chris pauses. “What do you mean, letters?”

 

Jimmy sucks on his spoon absently.

 

“You write letters to people when you’re angry,” he says. “Talking about how stupid they are. You write some mean things, Captain Pike.”

 

Chris swallows.

 

“How do you know about that?”

 

Jimmy shrugs.

 

“Sa-kuk Syruk started teaching me a little bit about hacking,” he explains, for all the world sounding like he  _ doesn’t get it _ . “I’m not really good yet— I mean, I couldn’t bypass the codes for the replicator Mommy set, but I can get into the lower security stuff now. I was practicing, and I found them.”

 

Oh, no. Chris isn’t dealing with this.

 

“Jimmy,” he says tersely. “Get out.”

 

“Why?”

 

“ _ Now _ .”

 

Jimmy pouts.

 

“But I’m being quiet!”

 

“Jimmy, I swear to God—”

 

“Is it ‘cause I went through your stuff? I didn’t mean to, it just happened—”

 

“That’s not the point, Jimmy. You just admitted to going through people’s personal logs! You shouldn’t be nosing through any of that in the first place. You don’t have the right to go prying into things like that—”

 

“I wasn’t  _ prying _ , I was curious. That’s not a bad thing!” Jimmy scoffs. “Jeez, Captain Pike, what happened to you?”

 

Of course Jimmy doesn’t know about the Farragut’s casualties— it’s not something a child, let alone any civilian would be informed of, but something about his tone sets Pike off. His hand finds the thing closest to it on his desk, something ceramic, and hurls it in Jimmy’s direction— not to hit him, obviously not— just to scare him.

 

“I never wanted you on this ship, Kirk, and if you don’t get out  _ right now _ I’m going to drop you on the next planet quicker than you can call for your Mother!”

 

Jimmy stares wide-eyed and stock still for the longest second Chris has ever experienced, then bolts, the door to Chris’ quarters barely opening enough in time for him to slip through.

 

Chris sighs, shoulders slumping as the tension in his muscles release, and sits back down.

 

Funny, he didn’t notice he stood up in the first place.

 

He looks back at the computer screen, frowning slightly before setting his fingers back to the keys.

 

He has a report to finish.

 

He’ll apologize to Jimmy in the morning.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Chris wakes up in the morning feeling… well, not better, but calmer. The storm has passed, and all that’s left is the hollow, empty feeling that he can’t quite explain.

 

He gets halfway through his pre-shift routine when he notices the bowl on the table, and his heart clenches as he remembers his tantrum from the night before. He’s going to have to apologize— the kid is annoying, but he didn’t deserve that from his Captain.

 

He collects the bowl to put in the recycler when he realizes he can’t find the spoon. Glancing around, he spies the silverware on the floor, dropped in Jimmy’s hurry to leave. Frowning, he bends down to pick up and realizes that he’s forgotten his other bit of mess— the ceramic he’d thrown last night.

 

Whatever it is, it’s shattered. Curious, Chris picks up the biggest piece and brings it into the light for a better look. It’s uneven and lumpy— not ceramic, as he’d thought, but clay, painted Command gold with the edge of a crooked, black letter.

 

Chris’ stomach drops. No,  _ no _ , what the fuck, Chris? Of all the easily breakable things on your desk, why would you throw this?

 

It’s a mug.  _ The _ mug. The mug Jimmy made for him for Christmas two years ago.  _ Farragut’s Best Kaptin _ — probably a joke from Winona, but he’d been so earnest in giving it to Pike, so proud of himself.

 

And Chris broke it. _ In front of him _ .

 

Fuck.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Of course, now that Chris is actively looking for the kid, he can’t find him. Not in his quarters, not in the engine room, not sneaking onto the bridge or out of Medbay or  _ anywhere _ .

 

After Day Four of this futile game of hide ‘n’ go seek, Number One appears in his quarters.

 

“Jimmy has been hiding in a storage room itching at an apparent allergic reaction,” she informs as soon as the door slides shut behind him. “Supposedly he ate something strawberry.”

 

Pike winces. Number One ignores him.

 

“He told me he does not want to go to Medbay because he is afraid that if you find him, you will force him off the ship. Could you explain to me the source of this newfound belief of his, Captain?”

 

Oh, Number One’s pissed, and with good reason. Chris rubs a hand over his face.

 

“He got into my personal logs,” he explains. “And started asking questions.”

 

“That isn’t particularly unusual behavior,” Number One points out. “He is often getting into place where he doesn’t belong.”

 

“I know that. But he decided to ask about it when I was writing my report about Zircas III.”

 

Number One hums.

 

“Ah. You were angry.”

 

“Yeah.”

 

“I warned him.”

 

“Did you?”

 

“He did not heed my warning. He won’t repeat this mistake.”

 

Chris huffs a sigh and sits down.

 

“I know I overreacted. It’s inexcusable,” he says. “But… goddammit, Number One, you know I love that kid to  _ pieces _ , but I hate him sometimes. It’s fucked up— how can anybody hate a six year-old?”

 

“Syruk has proposed that Jimmy is an outlier in more ways than one.” Number One tilts her head. “What is it exactly that makes you hate him?”

 

“Oh, I don’t even know. He’s just—” Chris pauses. “He’s just  _ Jimmy _ , you know?”

 

“No, I don’t. That’s why I’m asking.” Number One tilts her head to one side. “I want a list of reasons why he shouldn’t be on the  _ Farragut _ .”

 

“Why?”

 

“Because if your list makes sense, I will see to it he’s removed.”

 

Number One’s serious about this. It’s a little scary to see, considering the way she… the way she is with Jimmy.

 

“I… he reminds me of George.”

 

“He does bear a resemblance to his father, whom you were fond of.”

 

“Yeah, but he acts like Winona.”

 

“Who is a competent officer, if crude.” Number One pulls out a PADD and taps something out. “That’s two reasons, but they are not enough, I think, to warrant relocation.”

 

“... He doesn’t recognize authority.”

 

“He does.”

 

He doesn’t recognize  _ my _ authority.”

 

“... Only sometimes.”

 

“I’m the goddamn captain, Number One.”

 

“Indeed. Another reason?”

 

“He gets into things he shouldn’t. The matter-antimatter reactor. The  _ water main _ .”

 

“... Point.”

 

“His pranks often have potentially deadly consequences.”

 

“He does not have a concept of death as of yet—”

 

“ _ He could have blown up the ship several times _ . Even if he doesn’t understand, it’s still  _ dangerous _ .” Chris runs a hand through his hair. “He’s going to get killed one of these days— it’s dangerous for kids to live on a starship normally, and then you add his general recklessness… Plus the kid has  _ so _ many allergies. If Fonseca wasn’t as skilled as she was, he could have died a hundred times over. I mean, maybe if he weren’t on a starship he wouldn’t have so many near-death experiences via anaphylactic shock, you know? He gives me a heart attack every time he ends up in Medbay.”

 

“This is true.”

 

“Not to mention the kid’s crazy— he’s got no social life outside of a bunch of Starfleet officers. Except for that Spock kid, he’s got no friends. That’s bound to mess up a kid. If he were going to normal school, maybe he’d be less… I don’t know. Starved? Crazy? Maybe he’d learn like a normal kid instead of bouncing around the Starfleet departments looking at dead things and playing with radioactive materials? Which reminds me—  _ he’s six and plays with radioactive materials! _ That’s not right. Anywhere else health and safety would be on our asses.”

 

Chris cuts himself off, sitting back.

 

“The kid’s a ticking time bomb and we all know it.”

 

Number One is quiet for a moment, then nods to herself, getting to her feet.

 

“Very well. I will arrange for him to be returned to Earth. His paternal grandparents may provide a suitable home for him.”

 

Chris blinks.

 

“What?”

 

“While not all of your reasoning is sound, you have made valid points, points that many of us ignore due to his enhanced intelligence and charm. I will handle it. Don’t worry yourself further.”

 

“Number One, you can’t send him away.”

 

“Why not?”

 

“Because… because it’s  _ Jimmy _ .” Chris rubs at the back of his neck awkwardly. “He’s… he’s our kid, you know? Everybody’s kid.”

 

Number One arches an eyebrow. “Are you certain that you do not want him away, Captain?”

 

“I… of course I’m sure, Number One. I just said that I’d do it to get him to leave. I didn’t  _ mean  _ any of it.” he sighs. “I was stressed.”

 

“Then you must apologize.”

 

“What do you think I’ve been trying to do the last few days? I can’t find the little shit.”

 

Number One nods to herself.

 

“Very well. I will bring him to you.”

 

Chris feels something in his chest loosen.

  
“Yeah. Thanks, Number One.”


	6. Chapter 6

That Christmas, Jimmy makes him a new mug. It’s stainless steel, and as Pike notices, completely throw-proof.

 

Engraved in over sized, crooked lettering the side reads Galaxy’s Best Captain.

 

Someone has been letting the kid play with lasers again.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Jimmy’s biology phase ends shortly after New Year’s, much to the relief of the crew as a whole.  By the end of March, all of his bacteria and mold cultures have been located and disposed of. Pike hopes so at least. Some of them were quite efficiently squirreled.

 

Of course this shift in focus occurs after four separate biohazard containment leaks and seven instances of food poisoning. None of which Jimmy actually suffered from himself, of course.

 

So needless to say, when Pike hears the kid is no longer interested in microbes, he almost wept with joy.

 

That is, until the little shit takes up chemistry.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Jimmy’s seven years old, and he’s no longer getting lost in the walls. Pike will never admit that he almost misses having to play Pull Jimmy Out of the Machinery (the most demented game of hide and seek ever created). 

 

That doesn’t mean he’s no longer climbing inside of the walls. No, that would be borderline normality.

 

He’s just stopped getting stuck.

 

Pike doesn’t know whether or not he should be pleased with this development.

  
  


*.*

  
  


This is by far, a shitty day.

 

A run in with a Bird of Prey has landed twelve of his crew in Medbay, shields are all but depleted, and negotiations are not going well.

 

In fact they are going so poorly, that no one notices Jimmy step on to the bridge until he speaks.

 

“Is that a Klingon?”

 

“Jimmy,” Number One whips around at her station. “That is indeed a Klingon, and unless you leave the bridge immediately you might cause him to reopen fire.”

 

She turns around, sparing him no further attention.

 

Pike risks a glance at Jimmy, who’s standing, open mouthed and wide eyed at the Klingon Captain on the viewscreen.

 

The Klingon Captain who’s still screaming obscenity at Chris, by the way.

 

“Maw’tok!”

 

As all heads turn to the source of the vehement Klingonese curse. Jimmy covers his mouth as though he had not intended to speak, and bolts for the turbolift.

 

The Klingon Captain blinks in surprise, but negotiations continue.

 

It’s not until several hours later, ship out of danger, shock wearing off, when someone ventures, “Captain?”

 

“Yes, lieutenant?”

 

“When did Jimmy learn Klingon?”

 

Pike shrugs. He honestly doesn’t want to know.

  
  


*.*

  
  


Two hours out from Vulcan, everything is going fine (for once). Pike is just going over the last details for the resupply mission when the floor of the bridge vibrates.

 

Pike doesn’t need to check a single mainframe to know exactly who was responsible.

 

He’s getting Jimmy Kirk off his ship. Even if it’s just for the day.

 

Good thing the kid likes Vulcans.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> So that's the end! 
> 
> In case you're wondering, the end of this flows right into the beginning of the third Chapter of Adventure is out there (the first work in this series).
> 
> We both hope you enjoyed, and let us know what you think!

**Author's Note:**

> To follow the main story arc, go to the next work in "Doubt the Stars." To see Number One's side of this fic, follow to the next peice in the spin-off series "Dealing With James T. Kirk."
> 
> The playlist for this fic can be found [here.](https://8tracks.com/starhobbit/10-things-i-hate-about-jimmy#smart_id=dj:16203706)
> 
> Follow [not-freyja](https://not-freyja.tumblr.com) and [straight-outta-hobbiton](https:straight-outta-hobbiton.tumblr.com) on Tumblr.


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